"I've been holding on so tight. Look at these knuckles,They've gone white. I'm fighting for who I wanna be. I'm just trying to find security. But You say let it go, You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the one to lose control.You say you will be, everything I need.You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul,You say let it go. Well it's hard enough to hear. Harder still, to move beyond this fear. We know there's nothing I can bring,So tell me what do you want from me? But You say let it go."
Last night and today... so far have been pretty... bad. I feel really down and I'm struggling to understand the purpose of this all. How is this possible? I keep asking myself, "Is this REALLY happening? WHY is this happening? When will this end? Will he wake up?" This, this questioning is making me feel so, guilty. Why is it so hard for me to give all of this to God? Why do I feel so angry right now? Feeling anger, love, and grief all at the same time is like the WORST thing. I want to be so angry, b/c it would just be easy. It's EASY to be angry, to yell, to cry, to SCREAM. It feels good... for about thirty seconds. And then as soon as it's over, I'm sad, I feel terrible for being angry, and I wonder how I can be angry at someone for listening to God. For doing what they were told to do.
I'm struggling with trust. With patience. With understanding. I have been SCREAMING OUT to God, "SHOW ME WHAT TO DO!! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!! TAKE THIS AWAY." And I feel like I KNOW that I need to just... let it go. Give it to Him. Let him take this and wrap us up in Him so that we can learn to lean on HIM, find comfort in HIM, and let HIM be our rock. Maybe we were so caught up in "love" that we forgot the one love that is never failing. God IS a jealous God. He longs for us b/c he knows that HE is what we need. Not relationships with physical beings, but a Spiritual relationship in Him.
I need to stand up. To be ok. I want more than ANYTHING to trust God. To give EVERYTHING to Him. To know that HE is taking care of this. But I also have trouble letting go. How can I? How can I just stop feeling how I do? It's been SEVEN YEARS. How do I let SEVEN YEARS just slip away. How do you fall out of love? Do you ever really? I want this to be easy, but it isn't, and it wont be.
I'm going to try SO hard to let this go. To move on. And I want to say that I'm not going to hope God wakes him up and makes him realize he wants me. Because I do hope that. I do. I hope that in a few weeks I wake up from this nightmare having learned to be ok on my own but knowing that I have the person I love, the person I want to spend my physical life with right beside me. I want us to grow together. To grow in Christ. To set the example. I know I need to stop trying to see the future. I've never really been good at not doing that. But this is my cry to You God, this is my plea, "Help me. Teach me. Hold me. Guide me. Wake him up. Wake ME up. Hurry."
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Not knowing the situation completely or you all that well all I can say is that with time the pain will lessen. A single day will seem less like a year and more like just 24 hours. These things may never completely leave-- but you'll carry on because it's all we can do. It'll get better eventually, God has something planned-- I've never been one of those people who could just clearly see it in black and white either-- so know that someone else has been through something similar, is still going through it. Someone has been where you are and is getting better even if it is in small increments.
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