Love is Here.

Okay. Here I am again. Today was pretty tough. Like TOUGH. I'm struggling through this. I'm drowning in this, this pain. I'm searching, searching to find peace, to find acceptance, to find... ANYTHING than what I'm feeling now. Let me just tell you when I feel ok.

When I'm focusing on Him. Not just by being alone with God, but when I'm sitting at a table (or where ever) with my Bible open in front of me and telling someone about God. About my pain. About what I'm learning. I found a verse today and it LITERALLY jumped out at me. Seriously.

Psalm 20:4 "May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

(Clears throat)

Ok. So I know this is.... well.... wishful thinking, BUT, why would God have thrown this at me? This verse found me after I had a pleasant lunch with my friend Dianna today. She told me that I have inspired her to be stronger in her walk with Christ! That she desires a closer relationship with God!!!! I about DIED when she told me this. Why? Because it HIT me. HIIIIIIT ME. So this whole time I was like, "Ok God, so you did this to me so I could learn to stand as ME. Me with You. Cool. I can do this, I dont WANT to be alone, I want to be with him b/c I know I can stand alone and be ok." But NOWWWWW, I'm thinking, "Ok God, so that was the FIRST lesson. Stand on my own. Gotcha. Now I am guessing that you have done this to me, broken my heart, so that through MY pain I can help others. Through finding strength in YOU I can help others grow closer to YOUUUU!"

This is amazing x 2874309587430587. Ok just totally amazing. So in the middle of this restaraunt I pull my Bible outof my purse open it to James and begin reading to her. It was so awesome. I could have sat there, at that table, with my Bible, with my friend and read ALL day. For a second my pain did NOT exist. This situation, my sorrow had TOTALLY disappeared.

Now, now I'm struggling again. After I left from eating I felt... peaceful. But now... not so much. I have been reading through the book of Psalm for a while now. I have found some good stuff. Stuff that pretty much says exactly what I want to say to Him.

Psalm 13:1-6 "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thought and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

Psalm 6:6-9 "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer."

Psalm 7:3-5 "O Lord my God, if I have done this and there is guilt on my hands-if I have done evil to him who is at peace with me or without cause have robbed my foe-then let my enemy pursue and overtake me; let him trample my life to the ground and make me sleep in the dust."

Psalm 5:1-3 "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

Those are just a few of the many I have run into. I also found this song called "Hold my Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. Love it. I feel like they wrote it with me in mind.

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart? One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart."

It goes on from there. But right this very minute I'm BEGGING God to help me out here. To show me what else to do. To HURRY!!!! To give him back. Uhg. Please.

So... all of this said... I have probably confused whoever you are. So sorry for that. But PLEASE pray for me. Pray for me.