Pity Party

Ok, so I think I just need to vent and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes because I've been holding all of this junk inside and it's starting to take a toll on me.

Most of you know that my boyfriend left for basic training about three weeks ago. So far things have been ok...I've been keeping my head up and staying strong, but I just need to have a pity party for a second. This is hard! I mean...I'm not like sitting around crying in a corner everyday or anything, but my bestfriend, the one person who was ALWAYS there for me is now unable to talk to me or see me or anything. I've been writing him letters and sending them out every day, but it's really just not the same. I have gotten a few back from him, but I get a few once a week...and I'm not really sure when the next few will be here! I am starting to feel repetitive in my letters to him, and I really wish I could just pick up the dang phone and call him! I also find myself looking at other couples and feeling sorry for myself because I would give ANYTHING to have Ben back right about now!

Dont get me wrong though... this whole situation has been a blessing and a curse all in one.... This separation has shown me how much I truly appreciate Ben, not only for the good he brings to our relationship but also for the bad and the little annoying imperfections I sometimes point out about him. I have come to realize that some of the little things that used to bother me are just that; LITTLE. You (whoever is reading this) are going to laugh when you read the next few sentences, but I was watching Jersey Shore the other day and there is a couple on there (Ron and Sammy) who fight ALLLLLLL the freakin time!!! They are throwing stuff at each other and screaming and cursing, etc and then the next thing you know they are all cuddled up to one another and being all mushy and sweet. ugh. After a few episodes of this craziness I got SO irritated that I just started crying! lol. I was thinking to myself about how ridiculous they are...they dont appreciate one another AT ALL. The only reason they are together is because there is some kind of petty attraction to one another and they just want affection. I dont know if any of that makes sense but I would have given anything to trade places with them at that moment...not for the fighting but so I could be on the show with Ben not WASTING time on STUPID arguments! haha.

Anyway...he isnt just my boyfriend... he's my bestfriend. And the blessing from this situation comes from losing the person you love most and having it be a SLAP in the face because you start to realize just HOW much that person means to you. It's crazy. And from his letters to me I can tell he feels the same way and his perspective on our relationship has also changed in a major way. =) So as much as this is sucking...as much as I want my bestfriend back....I know this is for the better right now.

Next topic. I decided that I wasn't going to take the CNA course that I planned on taking this semester because it interferes with Ben's graduation date and I'm NOT missing that and I'm not willing to pay $275 for a class that I would miss almost a week of anyway....not a class like that. So now a bunch of ppl are dissappointed in me and my dad is ticked off beyond belief. I HAVE A DEGREE ALREADY! This isn't a do-or-die situation for me! It's completely ok for me to take this class in the spring semester! Another person told me I'm wasting my whole winter by working and not going back to school...I'm working all winter to save money for things that may or may not be happening in the Sping semester. At this point...I didnt have the money to take the class anyway....It was going to cost a ton after all the shots/uniforms/equipment/books that I needed for the class. I feel good about my decision even if I am a people pleaser and feel like crap because a bunch of people think I'm making bad decisions with my life.

I dont know what it is but I'm just getting tired of trying to make friends/not wanting to be alone/trying to reconnect with old friends/etc and having it back-fire in my face. I just feel forgetable....used....ignored....etc. I recently have tried getting in touch with someone who was once REALLY close to me and who helped me through a lot, but it just turning into a bunch of phone tag, and "I'll call you tomorrow/this weekend/next week"s. And when I lived in Spartanburg we kept making plans to hang out and they would always fall through. =/ Idk...I guess my feelings are just hurt now because I cant get this person to talk to me at all anymore. It is starting to make me feel like I did something to this person unintentionally. I dont know.

Ok. I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I just had to get all of that out.