Here we go.
I'm not sure what has happened to me in the past six months or so. Maybe, it was one of those epiphanies you get every few years where you realize that certain things you once thought you knew so well were not at all what you thought they were, or maybe I just grew up and matured more not only in my day-to-day life, but also in my walk with Christ. I feel like my eyes and heart have been opened to so many different truths and realizations recently. The first of which is, you do not, can not, and WILL NOT plan out your own life. It's just not going to happen, so if you think you know exactly how your life is going to turn out...YOU'RE WRONG. This is something I have struggled with pretty much my whole life... I thought I had everything planned out. I was going to graduate high school, go to college, marry my high school sweetheart, be a teacher, have a certain group of friends, have a couple of children, etc... BOY WAS I WRONG, and may I just say...Thank the LORD I was. I spent so much time focusing on the plan I had for my life that I totally and completely ignored what GOD was planning for my life. I honestly didn't care what he had to say about my life.
James 4:13-17 says "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. 'Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
Guess what I'm doing now? I have an associates degree in science and have taken two years off of school since obtaining that degree. I plan to be a nurse (if it's in God's plan). I have married, not my high school sweetheart, but a man who is so much more than I could have hoped for in ANY man. I am living ACROSS THE COUNTRY from my friends and family while trying to be the best wife possible to my husband who is serving his country in the military. I have made NEW friends, and I'm holding off on children for the time being. See? I mean...can you get any opposite to what MY plan was? The thing is though, I can't picture my life going any differently. Yeah, things can be tough, but I thank God every day for the challenges and even for the good days. At first it was hard for me to view our situation as a blessing. We were newly weds, across the country from all friends and family, getting accustomed to military life, and trying to make it on our own.... it was and still is a daily struggle! They say some things can be a blessing in disguise though. Who can say that at ages 22-23 that they got to spend their first year of marriage in one of the most beautiful places in the country? We have a really nice house to live in, a great dog, good friends, etc. Even though we miss home and everyone there...we get to spend our first year of marriage REALLY digging deep to learn about each other, our roles as a husband and a wife, and making sure our marriage is totally God-centered. I feel TRULY blessed.
Ok. So now that I've rambled on about my life so far I have to start getting to the uncomfortable part. I feel like a lot of this makes sense only in my head and is going to sound crazy confusing to whoever is reading this, but just stick with the as best as possible. Annnnnnnd here we go.
So I have obviously experienced a bit of culture shock here in California, and being raised in the "Bible Belt" as sheltered me from the rest of the world in a way I can't even begin to explain. I definitely grew up thinking that EVERYONE was a Christian in the United States; WRONG. It actually makes me laugh a little thinking about it now. In the few conversations I have had with people out here about their beliefs (or lack-there-of) I have come to the harsh realization that almost NO ONE thinks the same way or has the same beliefs. It seems to me that most Christians have a different perspective on what is real/true, and obviously those who don't believe think differently as well. A few of my conversations have gone something like this (NOT word for word.): Me talking about God "blah blah blah" and then the other person, "Well, actually I'm not really a believer." Me, "Really? May I ask why? No judgement from me, I would honestly just like to try to see things from your side." Them, "Well I used to be a believer, but then I started to look at other Christians, saw HOW hypocritical they are, and decided that I'd rather claim to not believe than have other people look at me and think the same thing.".....or something along those lines. Others said they choose not to believe because they have so many unanswered questions/doubts and want to know the facts and want the PROOF.
The above paragraph a.) breaks my heart b.) embarrasses ME c.) makes me embarrassed for Christians as a whole d.) makes me feel guilty.... (and I could go on forever)
I think the SADDEST part about what I wrote above is that (forgive me) I don't blame them. Doesn't that give you just the WORST feeling in your chest to hear me say that? It hurts me TO say that. I DON'T BLAME THEM. I feel like some, well a lot of Christians have given us a bad rep. This is just my honest opinion. I'm pretty new in my "mature" walk with Christ. Meaning, I have only really understood what it means to be a follower of Christ for the last, say, almost three years or so. I remember the days back in high school where all of the kids who went to sunday school, church services, wednesday night services, church camps, bible studies, etc were boasting about how wasted they got the saturday before, or about who they were hooking up with that week, etc. I remember thinking...REALLY? And don't get me wrong, I am a FAR cry from a saint and have made PLENTY of mistakes in my past, but I guess that's why I feel so guilty now. I have just started looking at my life as a whole and wondering how many people looked at me thinking, "REALLY? She calls herself a Christian?"
I am probably the LEAST judgmental person you will ever meet. I am very open minded and LOVE talking with people of all beliefs/religions. So I don't want this to seem like I'm pointing my finger at a ton of different people, but I DO feel like it's my job as your sister in Christ to SHAKE you and say "WAKE UP!!!!" What are you doing with your life?!?!?!? When did it become okay to kick homosexuals out of your church? When did it become okay to make fun of the kid who struggles with an eating disorder? When did it become okay to tell someone they are going to hell??!?!
Matthew 7:1-5 says: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measure to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You HYPOCRITE, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
My question to you is, if we are supposed to be LIKE Christ, why aren't we LOVING ON the homosexual, encouraging the people struggling with addictions/disorders, and why aren't we SPREADING God's LOVE and his message rather than taking it upon ourselves to condemn people to hell? Who gave us that job title? Who put us in charge? NO ONE. We are simply the messengers. I'm in NO way saying we are perfect or that we are going to act accordingly but what I AM saying is that we need to SERIOUSLY think about HOW we act, and what reputation we are giving our Lord and SAVIOR, Jesus Christ. Honestly, I feel like we as a WHOLE have spit in God's face. People don't know the God we know...all they see from us judgmental, self-centered, HATEFUL Christians is just that: judgment, selfishness, and hatefulness. I am embarrassed and feel so guilty. I hope I have stirred up something in you too.
I was just talking to my husband about all of this and he said something that I think 98%(I believe the other 2% of us were just raised with the hateful/judgmental/hell-fire & damnation side of Christianity) of us Christians can agree with, "I know what's right, but do what's wrong." God doesn't expect us to be perfect, but heck, he expects us to TRY. So I'm pretty much leaving you with this. I hope and PRAY this has touched you in some way. If you are angry or ill in any way at ME that's fine. I'm simply taking a stand for what I know to be true and most of all I'm taking a stand for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for all other Christians out there who GET IT. In some twisted way, I HOPE I have made you uncomfortable in some small way...maybe even in a BIG way.
I'm no NO way perfect...but I represent the one who IS. I recently find myself thinking about something my dad used to say to me, "Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking." I find this to be true with Christians too. Being like Christ is doing what's right when you THINK nobody's looking because you never know who is.
Colossians 3:1-17 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and early loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive each other whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
That right there is how we should portray ourselves to the world.
To those of you who used to believe and dont now, who never believed, who are on the fence, and to you who believe but feel lost.... forgive us. Please know that we Christians are not perfect. Some of us spit on our own beliefs and embarrass ourselves and our fellow believers. We forget the true meanings of love, kindness, mercy, gentleness, humility, patience, compassion and resort to hateful ways. We are simply human and we are all screwed up in one way or another. The one thing you should know is that the CORE of our beliefs is pure, good, precious, freeing, exhilarating, refreshing, true, and perfect. I will spend the rest of my LIFE standing up for the core of my beliefs and for my Lord and Savior. I hope that you can see all things good in me, but know that I struggle too. I have love for all of you...believers and non-believers. I say this with an honest heart, if you EVER need someone to listen to you talk, hold you while you cry, laugh with you, get excited with you, pray with you, ANYTHING I am always here and always willing. NO MATTER WHAT.
Matthew 5:14 "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and PRAISE YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN."
