Shocked

Ok, so I have recently heard of and experienced a few things that have literally made my jaw drop!

So I am a server at Olive Garden as a lot of you may already know. I come in contact with a TON of different people on a daily basis.

Matthew 5:14 say, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

This is what I TRY to do on a daily basis. Ironically, Sunday is the day where I experience the RUDEST, GREEDIEST, MOST HATEFUL, people I have EVER met. And most of them are dressed in Sunday attire...it just SHOCKS me that people who have JUST come from worshiping God and who claim to live their lives like Jesus can be so incredibly hateful.

One man said to another server (before she even spoke), "If there is any gratuity on the check you can go ahead and remove it b/c I give the Lord 10% and I'm SURE not about to give you 15%!" UMMM....WOW. Not only did he say that, but he also left NOTHING for the server. It AMAZES me that someone who is "living their life in the image of Christ" could say something like that and feel no guilt or remorse for it. Dont you think that if Jesus had been sitting at that table he would have left a generous amount for the server? What are we saying about our God when we lash out at people like that!??

Servers make their living on tips ALONE. We do NOT recieve a pay check each week like some people may think. I make $2.13 an hour, and after taxes are taken out of my paycheck I literally get NOTHING. If I wasn't a believer and someone EVER said something to me to the nature of what the man in the above paragraph said...it would be game over for me...my thought would be, "why in the WORLD would I want to follow a God that obviously has no compassion for others? why would I want to give my life to something that seems to make other's lives hell?" It would have ruined any chance of me wanting to ever give my life to Christ. End of story.

I have come across so many people who tell me that they can't stand the church and they can't stand Christians, and I never really understood why until recently. It is embarrassing and is RUINING your chance to witness to someone who doesnt know God. Dont people realize that once you put on the armor of God you are being looked at DAILY by other people!??!?! It's not just a club...you dont get to join the church, give your life to Christ, and then continue to be a jerk to other people!!! When you give your life to Christ you take on the responsibility of trying to live your life as Jesus would. You're to be KIND, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, GENEROUS, ETC.

I'm am just disgusted and completely floored by the way Christians are portraying themselves, the church, and GOD! It's like a slap in the face!!! The world is WATCHING us! I dont know what else to say really. I am so embarrassed, hurt, and annoyed!

Something's gotta give.

Pity Party

Ok, so I think I just need to vent and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes because I've been holding all of this junk inside and it's starting to take a toll on me.

Most of you know that my boyfriend left for basic training about three weeks ago. So far things have been ok...I've been keeping my head up and staying strong, but I just need to have a pity party for a second. This is hard! I mean...I'm not like sitting around crying in a corner everyday or anything, but my bestfriend, the one person who was ALWAYS there for me is now unable to talk to me or see me or anything. I've been writing him letters and sending them out every day, but it's really just not the same. I have gotten a few back from him, but I get a few once a week...and I'm not really sure when the next few will be here! I am starting to feel repetitive in my letters to him, and I really wish I could just pick up the dang phone and call him! I also find myself looking at other couples and feeling sorry for myself because I would give ANYTHING to have Ben back right about now!

Dont get me wrong though... this whole situation has been a blessing and a curse all in one.... This separation has shown me how much I truly appreciate Ben, not only for the good he brings to our relationship but also for the bad and the little annoying imperfections I sometimes point out about him. I have come to realize that some of the little things that used to bother me are just that; LITTLE. You (whoever is reading this) are going to laugh when you read the next few sentences, but I was watching Jersey Shore the other day and there is a couple on there (Ron and Sammy) who fight ALLLLLLL the freakin time!!! They are throwing stuff at each other and screaming and cursing, etc and then the next thing you know they are all cuddled up to one another and being all mushy and sweet. ugh. After a few episodes of this craziness I got SO irritated that I just started crying! lol. I was thinking to myself about how ridiculous they are...they dont appreciate one another AT ALL. The only reason they are together is because there is some kind of petty attraction to one another and they just want affection. I dont know if any of that makes sense but I would have given anything to trade places with them at that moment...not for the fighting but so I could be on the show with Ben not WASTING time on STUPID arguments! haha.

Anyway...he isnt just my boyfriend... he's my bestfriend. And the blessing from this situation comes from losing the person you love most and having it be a SLAP in the face because you start to realize just HOW much that person means to you. It's crazy. And from his letters to me I can tell he feels the same way and his perspective on our relationship has also changed in a major way. =) So as much as this is sucking...as much as I want my bestfriend back....I know this is for the better right now.

Next topic. I decided that I wasn't going to take the CNA course that I planned on taking this semester because it interferes with Ben's graduation date and I'm NOT missing that and I'm not willing to pay $275 for a class that I would miss almost a week of anyway....not a class like that. So now a bunch of ppl are dissappointed in me and my dad is ticked off beyond belief. I HAVE A DEGREE ALREADY! This isn't a do-or-die situation for me! It's completely ok for me to take this class in the spring semester! Another person told me I'm wasting my whole winter by working and not going back to school...I'm working all winter to save money for things that may or may not be happening in the Sping semester. At this point...I didnt have the money to take the class anyway....It was going to cost a ton after all the shots/uniforms/equipment/books that I needed for the class. I feel good about my decision even if I am a people pleaser and feel like crap because a bunch of people think I'm making bad decisions with my life.

I dont know what it is but I'm just getting tired of trying to make friends/not wanting to be alone/trying to reconnect with old friends/etc and having it back-fire in my face. I just feel forgetable....used....ignored....etc. I recently have tried getting in touch with someone who was once REALLY close to me and who helped me through a lot, but it just turning into a bunch of phone tag, and "I'll call you tomorrow/this weekend/next week"s. And when I lived in Spartanburg we kept making plans to hang out and they would always fall through. =/ Idk...I guess my feelings are just hurt now because I cant get this person to talk to me at all anymore. It is starting to make me feel like I did something to this person unintentionally. I dont know.

Ok. I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I just had to get all of that out.

Isn't it Crazy

Isn't it crazy how a devotional book can relate SOOOO much to the things you are going through at the same dates that the devotions are assigned to???? I think so.... I don't know if it's like that with everyone else's devotional books but it has been for mine over the last year or more. (I'm reading Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling")
I'm learning sooo much from this book, and from the quiet times I've been having. But I do have to express some frustrations I'm having with myself at the moment:

Why is it that you can sit down, have quiet time, read/learn/pray, and feel SO much better about things, but as the day goes on... I start to struggle with those bad/anxious/nervous/worried feelings alllll over again?!?!??! I HATE that. I want to feel super close to God allll day.

Anyway, back to this:

It seems that God knows (which I know, he knows....) every struggle I'm going to be facing on a daily basis and he just breathes the words RIGHT into my devotion for the day!
I've been trying to constantly remind myself that God has things under control and that the plan for certain things in my life is already set, and I can't do anything about it. And two days ago this line JUMPED out at me as I was reading:
"Look for areas where you need to let go, leaving your cares in My able hands. Do you trust ME to orchestrate your life events as I choose, or are you still trying to make things go according to your will?"

As I read this I was thinking....'HOW DID YOU KNOW!??!?!??!" haha.

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your ANXIETY on him because he cares for you."

1 Thessolonians 5:18 "...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I dont really know where I am trying to go with this post. All I know is that I am SO thankful to have a God who loves me unconditionally and for exactly who I am. Why? Because he made me that way. He doesnt see me for my flaws or constantly point them out or judge me for them. He embraces me, and teaches me and guides me to make me better for His sake. I am here to spread HIS love and HIS word. I am so thankful to have a God that I can praise freely and openly and joyfully. I am so rediculously thankful.

I am just feeling so good right now. So much closer to God again.

Matthew 6:34

A lot has happened in the past few months. About two months ago I moved to live with my mom in Swansboro, NC (which is ab 7 hrs away from Spartanburg). I had to leave my apartment,my boyfriend, my friends, my jobs, etc. Unfortunately I moved sooner than I wanted to, and I had no time to mentally/emotionally prepare myself for such a big change.

The past two months have been far from easy. I have struggled in more ways than one. It has been a crazy ride of feeling alone, sad, worried, having lack of trust, feeling like I'm losing things that are SUPER important to me, and other things. During this whole struggle I have had trouble reminding myself that I am NOT alone in this. That God is right here beside me every second of EVERY day. When I DO remind myself of this and crack open my Bible/Devotional book I can SEE God's love, mercy, friendship, guidance, power, strength, and everything else good pouring out over me.

I have been struggling soooo much in my relationship with my boyfriend. I have become SO wrapped up in the thought that he will be gone pretty much for the next TWO YEARS that I have scared myself into believing that he is not going to love me anymore, that things wont work out, and that he will change and leave me. And because I have started thinking all of these things I have tainted my relationship. I have driven not only myself but also my boyfriend nuts! THANKFULLY God blessed me with a patient, loving, understanding, strong, caring, and confident man. I have recently come to the realization that there is nothing I can do in this struggle other than rely on God. I have to TRUST God, because he is the only one who knows how this is going to turn out. I have had to remind and remind and remind myself that GOD is in control of this. He is in control of EVERY aspect of my life.

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." <-- I've always felt that the verse BEFORE this one should have come AFTER it... so I'm just going to add it now. "But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I was introduced to this verse, ironically, when I first met Ben. I was flipping through this Bible, trying to get a feel for his faith and his favorite verses and what not, and this verse was underlined and starred. This verse has been the one that has gotten me through a lot of this relationship. God has laid a perfectly planned out path before me. I look back and see so many ways that he prepared me for the journey I have been on with Ben. We have both taught each other/and learned so much from each other. For that, I am ETERNALLY greatful. Whether this journey is meant to be temporary or permanent, I am making a PROMISE to enjoy EVERY second of it.

My God is SO good, so amazing, so wonderful, merciful, kind, just, all knowing, etc and why in the WORLD would I choose to NOT trust him!!??!?!

Recently

Hi-ya,

I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with this post or what I even hope to accomplish. Maybe I'm looking to confess, or to just to indirectly say these things out loud by making them available for everyone to read; again, I'm not sure....so just bare with me.

For the past few months, I have felt like I am falling away from God. FAR away. You know, I feel like the times I was the CLOSEST to Him was when I was at my lowest point, when I felt nothing but sadness/darkness/pain/emptiness/etc. The second I feel "Happy" again I start to not seek God everyday. Maybe it's because I feel like I HAVE happiness and fulfillment in everyday things/people. I KNOW this is wrong. I blame EVERYTHING on the fact that I'm too busy, I work alllll day, I'm tired, etc... heck, I can't even work out b/c I'm "too tired from working all day." WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! It's like, sometimes I can pull away from myself and when I look at myself I just wanna be like, "Kayla, what is your problem? You know you've taken a wrong turn somewhere! Fix it!" Maybe I didn't take a "wrong turn," maybe I just strayed off of the right path and am just turned around and confused, trying to find my way back on the right path.

It's like, what HAPPENED to that FIRE that had engulfed my entire heart?!?!!? Where is the passion? UGH. I DONT KNOW. All I know is I have become a friend to the world; to things that do NOT matter. I've gone down the "easier" road. My job works me a double (11-late night) EVERY Sunday, and I couldnt tell you the last time I was able to go to church b/c of this. My Bible sits RIGHT beside my bed all day everyday and still, I couldnt tell you the last time I sat down and read it. I have COUNTLESS books that I know will help me but do I take time to read them? NO.

I'll be moving in July to a different State, city, ZIP CODE, and I keep telling myself I'll make significant changes to my life then, but HOW IS THAT OK?!??!? I feel like I'm looking GOD in the face, the God who hasn't walked away from me or said, "I'll make time for Kayla later," or abandoned/ignored me, and I'm saying to Him, "Yeah, maybe in a few months." or "Maybe after my nap." "Maybe after work." !?!??!?!??!??!?!??!??!?!??!??! What is wrong with me?!?! How can I possibly convince myself that is ok?

James 5:16

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

This is my confession: I feel like I'm falling away. I feel like my heart is still in the RIGHT place somehow. But I want to be on fire again.

I need to make a change.