~Peace~

Well it's been a while.

I just had a great talk with an old friend. And might I just say it was the perfect way to end this day. God is doing incredible things with incredible people. So we all know by now that the past month hasn't been an easy one. But so much good has come out of the bad. James 1 tells us to consider it pure joy when we face the testing of faith, b/c the testing creates perserverance and perserverance makes us complete and wise in God. I NEVER understood this until recently. I was constantly saying, "Where is the JOY in this?!?!?" I wasn't seeing it AT ALL. At all. But then it hit me. When the person who caused all of this pain said to me, "Kayla, you're STILL helping me grow in my faith. Even through all of this." And I was like DING DING DING!!! There it was. The joy in my suffering. If I can, by my suffering and pain, help someone realize that GOD is the one carrying me through this then AWESOME. I'll suffer until the day I die if it brings you to grow in your walk with our God. With the God who never walks out on you, who never stops loving you, who never fails you.

This whole concept is just baffeling to me. It's so beautiful in such a twisted way. By MY pain, you come to know God. By JESUS' pain, you came to understand God's love. If we are supposed to be like Jesus... there you go. I'm not saying I'm like Jesus or anything but it's the same concept. Endure pain and suffering so that other people's eyes may be opened to the pouring out of God's unconditional and unfailing love. Wow. WOW.

And through this experience SO much good has come. I will list:
* I am growing in my faith
* I have made OODLES of new friends. Really awesome ones.
* I have helped others grow in their faith.
* I have made two EXCEPTIONALLY wonderful friends.
* I am no longer afraid to speak up and speak out about my God.
* I am (hopefully) going to Australia to work in a church this summer.
* I have spent more time with myself, God, my family, and my friends.
* I have realized GOD comes first and foremost in my life.
* I have reconnected with old friends.
* I am overcoming my anxiety.
* I have become more involved at school.
* I am NOT afraid to worship loudly.
****ETC..... ETC.... ETC...****

So here is to all of you who are facing difficulties. Who are struggling. Who think hope is lost. IT'S NOT. You WILL pull through. God is carrying you. He is yearning for you. He is waiting for you to completely give Him ALL of you. He is calling you for a greater purpose. He has a greater and more perfect plan for your life than you could ever hope to have planned for yourself. He loves you. Perfectly, unconditionally, whole heartedly, & FOREVER. He is never going to leave you. Let Him in. Let him engulf your life. Let Him consume your heart. Let HIM be the center of everything you do, and I PROMISE YOU; you will feel more complete, more whole, and more loved than you have ever felt before. Surrender to Him. Love Him, b/c He will never stop loving you.

I love you all. Everyone who reads this. I love you. Come talk to me. Facebook me, I want to talk.

John 15:1-17

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now reamin in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down is life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointd you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

~Lead Me to the Cross~

Ok, so it's been almost three weeks. I'm A LOT better now than I was before. I've... well my eyes have been opened and I am now living the life that I THOUGHT I was living before. I dont really know what to say at this point. It's like... yes, I am heart broken. Yes, I AM hurting. Yes, I DO miss him... Yes, I DO want him back. BUT, I have this super weird peace about it. I know God's got everything under control. You know how when you fly in an airplane your life is in the hands of the pilot? The thought of a MAN being in control of my life still makes me uncomfortable. But in this particular case, my situation is in the best possible hands. For I know God is NOT going to screw up. He is perfect in all that he does. He breaks hearts, but b/c he has something better or to teach us a lesson. I have learned SO much in the past three weeks. So many great opportunities to share the word, be with friends, get to know my SELF, time to get to know God... etc.

I do want him back. He was my bestfriend. I love him just as much as I love myself. But I'm learning. I'm growing. I know that no matter what God will decide what happens from here.

I really don't know where I'm going with this blog... I think I'm just kinda babbling on, but what I DO want to get across is that three weeks ago... I was lost, confused, hurt, falling apart, and felt betrayed. I thought NO ONE understood me, that no one cared. What I want to tell you is that now I have NEVER felt so loved, cared for, and desired in my ENTIRE life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. God has been right beside me from the beginning of this. He's been carrying me through this, and for that I am SO thankful. I dont deserve one bit of what I have. None of it. I dont deserve the love that is shining down on me. None of us do. We are all evil hearted selfish human beings. I find it so amazing that we can be SO angry at God and He just looks down on us in awe. He is completely and totally in love with us.

Yesterday, I was telling one of my good friends about how I was feeling at the time and she reminded me that I'm not alone. That Jesus tells us that whatever we are going through he has also experienced. That he knows what if feels like to be lonely, sad, heartbroken, undesired, ridiculed, harrassed, etc. Jesus experienced the ULTIMATE loneliness in his final moments on the cross. Even God turned his back to Jesus on the cross b/c he could not bare to look at the world's sin which had been cast upon Jesus. I cant for one second imagine how that must have felt. But because Jesus died for us, because he drank the world's sin, God now looks down on us and sees His son's blood that was shed for us so that we could be made clean. How awesome.

I recently stumbled across a song called, "Lead Me to the Cross," by Hillsong. It is AMAZING! I suggest you listen to it. It's so beautiful. Here are the lyrics! :)

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dearI count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Oh man...

So... in one of my recent posts I was talking about how I wanted to get out... go and make disciples... that SAME day I prayed really hard about what God has in store for me. I asked him to show me what to do... to lead me. Later on when I came home from work I had a message from an old friend waiting for me... an AMAZING opportunity has opened up for me.

I have the chance to go to AUSTRALIA for the ENTIRE summer and work with young teens and children at a church! IN AUSTRALIA. I'm STOKED. God has been really opening my eyes to a LOT of things lately. Things are all happening so fast. I have to do this. I have to go. No question about it.

So that being said... PLEASE be praying for me... I DO have to pay for the air fare and have some money to live on while I'm there. As of right now money is the ONLY thing I'm worried about. Please pray that God will provide a way for me to pay for this trip. It's so important to me.

I have faith in the Lord. James 2:14-17 says "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, FAITH BY ITSELF, IF IT IS NOT ACCOMPANIED BY ACTION IS DEAD."

I have really been thinking about this for a while now. This is my chance. My chance to match actions with my faith. I am going to have the chance to make a difference in young people's lives!!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

I AM

I am YOUNG, STRONG, SMART, AND A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN OF GOD.
I live my life solely for Jesus Christ. I am NOTHING without Him. If any guy cant see or appreciate that... I'm better off. I'm a good person, devoted girlfriend, awesome sister, great daughter, and loving friend.

Randomness

There has to be more in life than this...

Today I was sitting on my bed thinking, and I was like... I've been in Spartanburg SC for the past ten years! And I've lived here in SC for my WHOLE life. There are so many more states, countries, CONTINENTS out there... I want to travel. Get away. Talk to people. Learn about new cultures. Love new people. I'm tired of sitting around. I wanna get out and DO SOMETHING!!!!!

We've been called to go out make disciples... and here I am sitting here... doing nothing. Awesome. Things have got to change.

Finally

So, I have decided that I cant sit here and wait around forever. I am giving up, and moving on. He is moving on so why shouldnt I? I do love him. Ridiculous amounts... but time is going to heal this one way or the other.

In the past TWO weeks I have made many friends, grown in my walk with God, and realized who I am as ME. I deserve someone who is going to love me without question. Someone who is going to be 150% honest with me NO MATTER WHAT. Someone who wont look at anyone else and question whether I'm good enough. B/C I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I AM.

I have also realized that he is NOT the only great guy left out there in the world. There have GOT to be more people. I do not PLAN to date or be in a serious relationship for a VERY long time. But I have learned that my plans dont always go according to plan so I'm letting God handle all of this from now on. No more plans. No time on when I have to get married... get a dog/cat, have kids, have a career, etc. NO MORE PLANNING bc in the end... I'm not even in control. My life has already been planned. I just have to live it one day at a time and see where I get.

This outlook feels 100 times better than the utter darkness and pit of depression I have been confined to for two long weeks. :)

Thank you God for answering prayers. :) :) :) :)

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Howday

God is SO good. So so so so so good. I've been at the beach since Sunday and His creations are SO amazing. I bought a new camera about a week ago, and I have taken close to a 1000 pictures in about... ohhhh.... five days. I have been so slack with posting pics on here so I'll upload a few right now! :) Hope you enjoy.

One of my favorites.

He was wanting some FOOD.

I got Neely and Hailey to throw cheezits up for the mobb of sea-gulls that were surrounding us.

Bubble!

So sweet. Neely and Hailey.

There are TONS more on my facebook! Check them out.

What I've realized.

Ok. Well the last two entries have been kind of depressing. So I figured I'd switch it up some. This past week has been the hardest week so of my life so far. I've never felt so many emotions at one time. I have REALLLLLLLLY been searching for understanding, praying for patience, and begging for answers. And, I finally got a little of all of that.

Proverbs 2:1-11 says: "My son, if you accept my words and store up my commnads within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for siver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store fore the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blamelss, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and fair-every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Descretion will portect you, and understanding will guard you."

Proverbs 3:7 "Do not be wise in your own eyes"

Proverbs 4:6-9 "Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor."

Psalm 107:13 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress."

Psalm 77:1-12

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 37:8-9 "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land."

So why have I been freaking out so bad? Well duh, I'm hurting. But I've been BEGGING for hope. But there ISSSS hope!!!! Hope for me. If God brings him back to me then GREAT. If he doesn't then there is OBVIOUSLY a bigger and better plan for my life. There is SOMEONE, whoever he may be, that is 100% for ME. I WILL be happy again. Either way. That is His promise to me. I WILLLLLLL be happy. I'm trusting God now. He has got my attention 100%. I give this heartache, this grief, this anger, sadness, love... I give it ALL to Him. Because I can not see the future. As hard as I may try... God knows the plan; He knows the life he has laid out for me. I'm just along for the ride.

I hope that if anyone is really reading this that you get from my entries that God is here. He is HERE. Do not EVER for ONE SECOND believe that He has left you, or that he does not care for you. He will not EVER leave you. EVER. He will never do anything to you that you cant handle. He loves you. You think your Mom and Dad love you? Your brothers and sisters? Your boyfriend? Girlfriend? Well let me tell you that their love for YOU has NOTHING on the love God has for you. HE is your bestfriend.

Come talk to me. Anyone. If you are interested in hearing about My God, my bestfriend. Come talk to me.

Today will be a great day. No matter how hard things get, I've got everything I really need.

...

I dont want to be like this anymore. I'm drowning in sadness, hurt, anger, etc. DROWNING. I feel pathetic and annoying. Do you know HOW hard it is to have the person you love tell you to leave them alone? To give them space? To move on? Ouch. It's HORRIBLE.

TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS! Tell me how to let go. How to move on.

Satisfy Me.

"Before the sun has touched the sky
Colors bursting from Your eyes
Before the flood of the morning light
Before the earth has felt Your heat
Before I stand up to my feet
Before I begin to feel this weak
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
I'm begging You, to help me see
You're all I want, You're all I need
Oh, satisfy me Lord
When the day is closing in
Like the stars in the night I am falling
Into the pull of the earth and it's affection
In me, oh lord, can you create
A pure heart cuz I'm afraid
That I just might run back to the things I hate
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see
You're all I want, You're all I need
Oh, satisfy me Lord
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're more than all this world can give
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're love is all I need to live
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're more than all this world can give
You're beautiful, more beautiful
You're love is all I need to live"
-Tenth Avenue North

This song is great. Simply great. This is all so crazy. Just so crazy insane. God's got his eye on me and also on him. He's carrying us. I can't do this by myself. I know he's here. I KNOW he's here. He has to be.

.HELP.

I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE

...so much for staying strong.

This hurts. It hurts so bad. I want to be ok. I do. I'm still leaning on God, but this is just too much for me right now.

Love is Here.

Okay. Here I am again. Today was pretty tough. Like TOUGH. I'm struggling through this. I'm drowning in this, this pain. I'm searching, searching to find peace, to find acceptance, to find... ANYTHING than what I'm feeling now. Let me just tell you when I feel ok.

When I'm focusing on Him. Not just by being alone with God, but when I'm sitting at a table (or where ever) with my Bible open in front of me and telling someone about God. About my pain. About what I'm learning. I found a verse today and it LITERALLY jumped out at me. Seriously.

Psalm 20:4 "May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

(Clears throat)

Ok. So I know this is.... well.... wishful thinking, BUT, why would God have thrown this at me? This verse found me after I had a pleasant lunch with my friend Dianna today. She told me that I have inspired her to be stronger in her walk with Christ! That she desires a closer relationship with God!!!! I about DIED when she told me this. Why? Because it HIT me. HIIIIIIT ME. So this whole time I was like, "Ok God, so you did this to me so I could learn to stand as ME. Me with You. Cool. I can do this, I dont WANT to be alone, I want to be with him b/c I know I can stand alone and be ok." But NOWWWWW, I'm thinking, "Ok God, so that was the FIRST lesson. Stand on my own. Gotcha. Now I am guessing that you have done this to me, broken my heart, so that through MY pain I can help others. Through finding strength in YOU I can help others grow closer to YOUUUU!"

This is amazing x 2874309587430587. Ok just totally amazing. So in the middle of this restaraunt I pull my Bible outof my purse open it to James and begin reading to her. It was so awesome. I could have sat there, at that table, with my Bible, with my friend and read ALL day. For a second my pain did NOT exist. This situation, my sorrow had TOTALLY disappeared.

Now, now I'm struggling again. After I left from eating I felt... peaceful. But now... not so much. I have been reading through the book of Psalm for a while now. I have found some good stuff. Stuff that pretty much says exactly what I want to say to Him.

Psalm 13:1-6 "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thought and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

Psalm 6:6-9 "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer."

Psalm 7:3-5 "O Lord my God, if I have done this and there is guilt on my hands-if I have done evil to him who is at peace with me or without cause have robbed my foe-then let my enemy pursue and overtake me; let him trample my life to the ground and make me sleep in the dust."

Psalm 5:1-3 "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

Those are just a few of the many I have run into. I also found this song called "Hold my Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. Love it. I feel like they wrote it with me in mind.

"How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart? One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart."

It goes on from there. But right this very minute I'm BEGGING God to help me out here. To show me what else to do. To HURRY!!!! To give him back. Uhg. Please.

So... all of this said... I have probably confused whoever you are. So sorry for that. But PLEASE pray for me. Pray for me.

Trust.

"I've been holding on so tight. Look at these knuckles,They've gone white. I'm fighting for who I wanna be. I'm just trying to find security. But You say let it go, You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the one to lose control.You say you will be, everything I need.You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul,You say let it go. Well it's hard enough to hear. Harder still, to move beyond this fear. We know there's nothing I can bring,So tell me what do you want from me? But You say let it go."

Last night and today... so far have been pretty... bad. I feel really down and I'm struggling to understand the purpose of this all. How is this possible? I keep asking myself, "Is this REALLY happening? WHY is this happening? When will this end? Will he wake up?" This, this questioning is making me feel so, guilty. Why is it so hard for me to give all of this to God? Why do I feel so angry right now? Feeling anger, love, and grief all at the same time is like the WORST thing. I want to be so angry, b/c it would just be easy. It's EASY to be angry, to yell, to cry, to SCREAM. It feels good... for about thirty seconds. And then as soon as it's over, I'm sad, I feel terrible for being angry, and I wonder how I can be angry at someone for listening to God. For doing what they were told to do.

I'm struggling with trust. With patience. With understanding. I have been SCREAMING OUT to God, "SHOW ME WHAT TO DO!! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!! TAKE THIS AWAY." And I feel like I KNOW that I need to just... let it go. Give it to Him. Let him take this and wrap us up in Him so that we can learn to lean on HIM, find comfort in HIM, and let HIM be our rock. Maybe we were so caught up in "love" that we forgot the one love that is never failing. God IS a jealous God. He longs for us b/c he knows that HE is what we need. Not relationships with physical beings, but a Spiritual relationship in Him.

I need to stand up. To be ok. I want more than ANYTHING to trust God. To give EVERYTHING to Him. To know that HE is taking care of this. But I also have trouble letting go. How can I? How can I just stop feeling how I do? It's been SEVEN YEARS. How do I let SEVEN YEARS just slip away. How do you fall out of love? Do you ever really? I want this to be easy, but it isn't, and it wont be.

I'm going to try SO hard to let this go. To move on. And I want to say that I'm not going to hope God wakes him up and makes him realize he wants me. Because I do hope that. I do. I hope that in a few weeks I wake up from this nightmare having learned to be ok on my own but knowing that I have the person I love, the person I want to spend my physical life with right beside me. I want us to grow together. To grow in Christ. To set the example. I know I need to stop trying to see the future. I've never really been good at not doing that. But this is my cry to You God, this is my plea, "Help me. Teach me. Hold me. Guide me. Wake him up. Wake ME up. Hurry."

Amazing. Just so Amazing.

God is working WONDERS with me right now. I can't even EXPLAIN how I'm feeling right now. Loved, cared for, understood, tested, broken, sad, peaceful, etc. SOOO many different things. I feel like I'm on this crazy roller coaster! But in the past TWOOOOOOO days I have seen and FELT God so much. Now I know that a lot of people turn to God during only the bad times in their lives, but this is different. I dont know if I should even call this a bad time in my life. This is a struggle, yes, but WOW. So many things are getting me through this and they are ALLLL linked to God.

He is preparing me for something amazing. He's preparing another person too. Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay so the day before this awful thing happened to me a friend RANDOMLY gives me a cd with a song on it by Hillsong. It's called "Arms Open Wide" and its AMAZING. Like I think this is what God is trying to tell me. To just TOTALLY give Him my life. My life should be centered around nothing else or anyone else. Just totally all to Him. The lyrics are:

Take my life, I lay it down
At the Cross where I am found.
All I have I give to You, Oh God.

Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity
That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh, here I stand arms open wide
Oh, I am Yours and You are mine, Jesus.

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be ever only for You, oh God

Oh, here I stand arms open wide
Oh, I am Yours and You are mine
Oh, here I stand arms open wide
Oh, I am Yours and You are mine

My whole life is Yours, I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way, Have Your way

My whole life is Yours, I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way, Have Your way.

Oh here I stand arms open wide
Oh I am Yours and You are mine
Oh here I stand arms open wide
Oh I am Yours and You are mine.

Amazing right? God is SO jealous for me. He is a jealous God. I have spent so much time giving most of my WHOLE self to something else when I should have been giving it ALLL to Him. Wow. And this other person involved, God wants every part of them too. Every part. And it's not over for us. I can just feel it. God loves us, He just needs to show us it's ALL about HIM. And then we can set the example for others, together. Great things are going to happen. And WHATEVER happens I am going to be ok. It's going to be hard, so so so so so hard, and it will take some time, but it's going to work out. It just has to.

And it's SO crazy to know that God saw this heartache and this struggle way before I was even born. He knew this would happen to me and he has prepared me for it in the past few weeks. God LOVES ME. He loves me. And he loves you, whoever you are that is reading this long LONG message. God loves YOU. And he is jealous for you. He is so envious of your love for other things. Worldy things. B/c he has a plan for you, he is the ultimate prize over EVERYTHING else in the world. All other things will fade away. People come in and out of your lives, your houses decay and fall apart, your money disappears, relationships fade, etc but GOD NEVER FADES, DIES, FALLS APART, OR DISAPPERARS. God is FOREVER. He stands forever.

Gosh. When your eyes are opened.... they are opened WIDE.