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Hi-ya,

I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with this post or what I even hope to accomplish. Maybe I'm looking to confess, or to just to indirectly say these things out loud by making them available for everyone to read; again, I'm not sure....so just bare with me.

For the past few months, I have felt like I am falling away from God. FAR away. You know, I feel like the times I was the CLOSEST to Him was when I was at my lowest point, when I felt nothing but sadness/darkness/pain/emptiness/etc. The second I feel "Happy" again I start to not seek God everyday. Maybe it's because I feel like I HAVE happiness and fulfillment in everyday things/people. I KNOW this is wrong. I blame EVERYTHING on the fact that I'm too busy, I work alllll day, I'm tired, etc... heck, I can't even work out b/c I'm "too tired from working all day." WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! It's like, sometimes I can pull away from myself and when I look at myself I just wanna be like, "Kayla, what is your problem? You know you've taken a wrong turn somewhere! Fix it!" Maybe I didn't take a "wrong turn," maybe I just strayed off of the right path and am just turned around and confused, trying to find my way back on the right path.

It's like, what HAPPENED to that FIRE that had engulfed my entire heart?!?!!? Where is the passion? UGH. I DONT KNOW. All I know is I have become a friend to the world; to things that do NOT matter. I've gone down the "easier" road. My job works me a double (11-late night) EVERY Sunday, and I couldnt tell you the last time I was able to go to church b/c of this. My Bible sits RIGHT beside my bed all day everyday and still, I couldnt tell you the last time I sat down and read it. I have COUNTLESS books that I know will help me but do I take time to read them? NO.

I'll be moving in July to a different State, city, ZIP CODE, and I keep telling myself I'll make significant changes to my life then, but HOW IS THAT OK?!??!? I feel like I'm looking GOD in the face, the God who hasn't walked away from me or said, "I'll make time for Kayla later," or abandoned/ignored me, and I'm saying to Him, "Yeah, maybe in a few months." or "Maybe after my nap." "Maybe after work." !?!??!?!??!??!?!??!??!?!??!??! What is wrong with me?!?! How can I possibly convince myself that is ok?

James 5:16

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

This is my confession: I feel like I'm falling away. I feel like my heart is still in the RIGHT place somehow. But I want to be on fire again.

I need to make a change.